Some who know me (Laurie) know that in my mommy-hood I go to Wal-Mart to be alone. Oh yes. Wal-Mart. On this particular night I went to Wal-Mart because of that thing… That feeling that makes me want to call everyone I know for some “you’re the most awesome person in the universe” encouragement that my black hole of need tells me I must have.
But, in the spirit of this current season of taking charge of that need and not succumbing to it, I escaped. Not to the beautiful rivers that run just outside town or to one of the hiking trails that I can access just a few blocks away, but to Wal-Mart, the place I go to be alone.
I finished my trip empty-handed. I didn’t buy anything except more time with myself and my self-doubt. It was one of those nights when those voices were particularly loud in my ears, lying to me about who I am, how I behave. And I just kept getting more and more tired of being myself and not someone else who might have it more together than I do.
As I got in the car and pulled out of the parking lot, I cried to the Father out loud: “I can hear everybody else’s voice but yours. My head is so full that I can’t sort through what’s true and what’s not. I’m tired of being so concerned with others’ and my own expectations and opinions of me.” I asked the Lord to get everybody’s voice, including my own, out of my head. “I need to hear it from you. . .who am I to you? How do you see me?”
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“Speak to Me” by Laura Elizabeth Thornton copyright Bricklayer Music Publishing (ASCAP) 2009, registered with CCLI.March 8, 2009